Story done! Need suggestions and tips

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Story done! Need suggestions and tips

Post by TamasineK on Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:32 pm

Hi everyone. Like i said earlier about making my own manga and mystery story. I guess here is a little start. Remember, this is only one chapter, so it's short.
Please give any suggestions or something that needs to be fixed. I don't really know much about all the investigation, police stuff.

It is only a plot for me to use when i draw the manga.




Police and ambulances gather around a house,
which was exploded few minutes ago. All witnesses say the same that they were
simply minding their own business until they heard loud ticking and then
suddenly this explosion occurred. During the explosion, only teenager Minori Tsuji was at home. There is
still not decided, either it is an accident from gas leak or old wires or is it
a murder.

Policemen start walking around the exploded
home, searching for anything that might give them a clue about what have
happened. But all clues had faded along with explosion.

One of the detectives Nazumi Kinkou starts
questioning Minori’s family and friends. He tried to find out, if the house had
any problems with old wires or anything that might have caused the explosion. Then
Nazumi tried asking if Minori had any enemies before or was acting strange
before. Everyone said that they didn’t notice such thing.



Same event occurred the next day in same
village. This time the victim was Orito Asari. It was bit less believable, that today’s and yesterday’s
events were just accidents.

Nazumi again questioned people that know the victim.
The bigger surprise was when he saw that this victim has same friends that last
one had. And so did Orito with Minori were friends.


Nazumi told everything he knows about the two
victims to other detectives and policemen. Suddenly one of policemen Ryou
Hatamatsa stand up saying that even if it is a purpose murder, they don’t know
who it is and there is nothing that they can do. Even if they would guard rest
of the victim friends, there is no way they can do it forever, and the bomber
could just wait until they would stop guarding and then strike.

Other policeman Masato suggested watching their
houses for next 24 hours and see if anything strange would happen. Most of
policemen agreed with this, many of them went in disguises around the village
until the next day.



None of the policemen in disguises saw anything
strange happen until the same event occurred like in the past two days. This
time the victim was a teenage girl - Akemi.

When Nazumi arrived
to the scene, he would only find out that the last friend from the group left
is Shun. Shun desperately asked for help or to get him away.


After gathering what they know, nobody had any
idea how could the bomber get inside victim’s house, if nobody saw anyone enter
except their family members. Suddenly a detective called Han Shimazaki would
stand up telling two theories. It’s either one of the family members or that
the bombs were set up right from the beginning. He also said it is less believable
that a family member would start blowing up his or her house and children. Ryou
then asked why the bomber wouldn’t just explode all houses together. Han
answered that the bomber would just try to warn other friends that their death
is coming near, criminals can think of many crazy things.

Ryou then suggested that they should hide Shun
somewhere. But not just simply take to his hideout, since it is possible the
bomber is all this time stalking his next victim. Masato asked how it would be
possible to sneak him outside the house. Ryou answered that he has an idea.


Ryou explained the plan to Shun’s mother and
she followed the plan. While the action is going on, Ryou and the other
policemen are at the police office while Ryou explains his idea.

First, Shun’s mother will cover his son with
black blanket big enough to cover whole Shun’s body. They will exit the
building and lead Shun to a police office and hide him there, meanwhile police
will give a doll that is same size of Shun. Shun’s mother will cover it with
the black blanket same way she did it before and go back to house. After
entering house, she will drop the doll on sofa, cover it with the black blanket
and close all window curtains. The next day, she will leave the house and see
what happens tomorrow.

The walk to police office could give the idea
to bomber, that it might be simply questioning about if the police have any clue
who is the bomber. And the black blanket might be some dumb idea of Shun’s
mother thinking it would work.

„That’s all” are Ryou’s words when the scene
goes to



The explosion didn’t happen that day.

Ryou slams his fist on desk shouting that he is
sure the plan must have worked. He then shouts that he thinks the bomber must
be watching police office also or that mother is the bomber. Of course! Exploding
her house the last and now somehow the plan fails.

Han disagrees with that. He says that they
should see if his second theory is true. Search the house and see if they can
find the hidden bomb.


Many military walked around and inside Shun’s
house with detection dogs. They all tried to find if it is true, that bombs
were placed before explosions happen.


Ryou and Han were standing outside the building
and waiting for any results. Soon one soldier ran out of the house saying that
he found a camera hidden in Shun’s room. Han then said that probably that’s the
reason how bomber knew that real Shun wasn’t at the home at that time and there
might be more cameras around. When Ryou heard that, he told the Soldier to tell
others to search at any location to find hidden cameras and to get a signal
receiver and see if they can get the signal from where the camera is being
watched. Han interrupted Ryou’s order. He suggested to only take the camera
soldier found and everyone else should avoid seeing other cameras. If they
would find where the signal is coming from, they might catch the bomber in
action where he is watching the cameras.


While the search was going on, Nazumi was in
the police office with Shun. Finally Shun remembered something that might be a
help. Few years ago, he and his three friends found a man carry dead corpse and
throw it in trash. Later he drove away with a bag. The bag was filled with
money. Shun and his friends helped find this man and arrest him. Sadly, there
was no proof that the man carried corpse into trash and he killed it. So he was
just accused of money stealing. Put into prison for few years, he might have
been freed by now. Shun doesn’t remember the name of man only his crime and

Nazumi searched through the database this crime
and year of release from prison. They couldn’t find anyone that Shun would

After bringing the found bomb, they neutralized
it. But as for the signal tracking, it was interrupted and probably shut down,
probably because the bomber saw the soldier notice the camera. They couldn’t
track signal from where it was coming from.

After the camera and bomb were sent to lab,
they found finger prints on it. But after they were searched through the
database, they couldn’t find who the owner of these fingerprints is. But the
fingerprints from bomb and camera are the same. Ryou then said that the bomber
they are looking for has never been in prison.

Nazumi simply felt like telling what Shun told
him while they were searching for the bomb and so he did. But it was still no
help, since they didn’t find anything in the database about this suspected man.

They are all back at a dead end.


It was bit over midnight. Han was sitting at
his laptop in internet. He had remembered what Nazumi told after they arrived
back at police office. Han was searching trough search engines anything related
to this. Once he typed: “Four teenagers help in solving a crime” Han found in a
web page that publishes news. Few yearlong article, where was mentioned the
four names – Minori, Orito, Akemi and Shun. Finally he found the man’s name –
Takashi Mootori.

Han grabbed his coat and ran out of his
apartment back to police office.


Han ran in the office at computer. Everyone was
confused why he is here so late.

After Han typed “Takashi Mootori” name in the
database, there were no results again. “Can’t be…” Han said seeing that there
were no results. Any prisoner is put into database, but there are no results
apparently. One policewoman Isa asked Han what’s wrong, but Han simply replied
“nothing” and left to take a walk around the village where explosions happened



It was early morning; Han had spent whole night
awake. He took a walk around the village trying to find anything useful. He
didn’t have any confidence and he didn’t really hope for finding something
useful. Just when coming past the houses that exploded, they were all next to
each other. And when turning around, Han noticed cameras at neighbor’s house.
One of them could film Minori’s and Akemi’s house, even though it was meant
only to film the entrance of house it’s attached to.


It was almost evening; Takashi is sitting in
his hideout. It used to be abandon storage, until Takashi bought it. When he
was arrested, the storage was again abandoned

Suddenly the metal door of storage was blown up
and many SWAT soldiers ran inside the storage. Takashi got up trying to escape
from back door, until more soldiers ran out of that door. Takashi was trapped
inside and surrounded by SWAT soldiers.

Han went inside seeing a computer and many
screens. And ¼ part of them showed Shun’s room, since all other cameras were blown up.
Later checking the computer, he found that this man could access the database.
Somehow he managed to hack it and destroy the files of his data. That’s the
reason why they couldn’t find his fingerprints or name in the database even
though he once was in prison.

yelled at Han and questioned him, how did they find out where he was hiding. “This
morning I noticed cameras at neighbor’s house, I guess they could afford a
security system. It could film wide enough to catch Minori’s and Akemi’s house
door. When I got the tape, I saw you enter their houses. And once you entered
them both, you disappeared for a while and then came back stopping a cab. After
writing down the cab’s number, I went to the station and questioned driver of
that cab. After showing a picture of you which I got off internet, he said he
remembers you and where he took you.” Han explained. “So what? You have no
evidence that I am the killer! You can only prove that I have been watching
them.” Takashi said back to Han “Your right, we don’t have any
evidence about that. But once we compare your fingerprints with the one on
bomb, I am sure we will have.” Han said it and the soldiers took Takashi away.

Takashi was later put in prison for life after the fingerprints on camera and bomb matched his.



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