the 12 days of christmas

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.
December 14, 2008 My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree?
How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me
this way.
My love always, Agnes
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December 15, 2008 Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm
just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16, 2008 Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity,
three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
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December 17, 2008 Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but
don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18, 2008 Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one forevery finger.
You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning
to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
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December 19, 2008 Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps.
So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep
them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please
stop.
Cordially, Agnes
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December 20, 2008 John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn
joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket.
I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking
birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
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December 21, 2008 O. K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking?
It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring
their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
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December 22, 2008 Hey Shithead:
What are you..... some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ
do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday
morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
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December 23, 2008 You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've
been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed
me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police
on you !
Agnes
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December 24, 2008 Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? Some of those
broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing
sodomy with the cows. All twenty- three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled
to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
You're sworn enemy, Agnes
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December 25, 2008 Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have
seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course,
was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt
to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed
to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole.
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